


all along it was a fever

by TheFunnyLady



Series: Stay [1]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, God I'm so fond of these three, James Flint is an ass but is actually soft, John Silver is hopeless and insecure, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, That parrot is an emotional support animal, Thomas Hamilton can't help himself, Treasure Island Happened, We all know it, a bit of a feelings confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 03:17:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18886081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFunnyLady/pseuds/TheFunnyLady
Summary: John tried to keep the bitterness from his voice and failed."But...?" James sneered and John thought about how sick it was that he still found that attractive.





	all along it was a fever

John’s fingers tightened around the handgrip of his crutch as he moved, the soft thud of it hitting the kitchen floor. 

The sound of it always reminded him of blades clashing, and seabreeze, and _practice_. He’d mended the wood and replaced enough pieces that he didn’t know if it could rightly be considered the original one, but the handgrip was the same. He had made sure to always keep the original, because a small ‘J.M’ was carved on one side and every time he really needed it, he pressed his thumb against those letters and he _remembered_. 

The parrot jumped down to land on the back of a kitchen chair and her talons clicked against the wood, making the silence more awkward with every passing second. John was almost startled by the sound of James’ voice when he finally spoke.

"Did Madi finally tire of you, then?"

John smiled. He even let it reach his eyes.

"Oh yes, but that was long ago," John said as he sat down heavily on a stool by the door. "You see, you were wrong. She did forgive me because people in love do stupid things."

John tried to keep the bitterness from his voice and failed.

"But...?" James sneered and John thought about how sick it was that he still found that attractive.

" _But._ She couldn't forget. In every look, in every touch, in _every word_ , I felt the weight of it. She tried, but she just couldn't love me the same way. I had put a distance between us and we couldn’t find a way back together. Because you were also _right._ "

Disappointment seemed to cut through James' ire like a blade. His shoulders dropped and the lines under his eyes were deeper than the moment before. He looked sad. He looked like he might not want to know the rest, but he asked anyway. 

"Right about what?"

"That it wasn't enough. I was not enough for her and she was not enough for me. We went on like that for too long. And one day, I realized that I couldn't remember a time when she had not been holding me at arm’s length. I could not remember when we had been _happy_. Worst of all, as the years passed, the distance between us no longer hurt, as it once had. And yet, I could so clearly remember the awful pain in my chest as they locked that plantation gate behind you and lead you away."

John didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he reached out to the feathered Captain Flint, offering her a few seeds from his pocket. Leaving Madi had been the hardest part, both in the doing and the telling.

"When I asked her if she wanted me to go, she said the decision was mine, and I knew she really meant yes. So, I returned to the sea, and befriended this lovely girl here. We did everything: from loot and plunder to search for buried treasure."

At this admission, James came to attention, the question written on his face, barely restrained. John grimaced, but gave James the answer.

"We did find it. But the expedition went awry and--" John leaned in, and whispered through a wry grin, "I wasn't really looking for treasure anyway."

Thomas Hamilton—having come to his limit of eavesdropping while pretending to leave them alone—leaned against the doorway behind James. 

"Did you find what you were truly chasing?"

John sighed, but regarded them both with his best roguish expression. He would always take an audience when he could get one.

"Well, I looked in the bottom of many bottles and in between the sheets of several beds, to no avail. Then one day I was running my fingers through these beautiful red feathers and realized I’d been wondering, for quite a number of days, if your hair was even still remotely close to this shade. I did name her Captain Flint in honor of your likeness, after all. So I set out to see for myself."

James ran his hand through his hair, medium-length and liberally peppered with white. He gave a self-conscious shrug.

"Sorry to disappoint."

John's smile faltered.

"Isn't it I who should be saying that to you?"

For the first time since he arrived, John saw a flicker of amusement pass over James’ features. It looked bittersweet painted on his lips, but it was there. When he finally spoke, his tone was plain.

“I have felt a lot of things about you, John Silver, but disappointment was the least of them.”

It was at this point that Thomas simultaneously gave a low whistle and turned slowly, attempting to retreat back out into the hallway. 

John suddenly felt claustrophobic. He took in the cottage around him: books piled between two soft chairs in the sitting room beyond the kitchen; two tea cups hanging above the sink; two pairs of worn boots lined up next to the door. It was a sweet, neat, peaceful little corner of the world.

_A home built for two._

And it felt wrong for John to have tried to take up space inside that world. He felt bulky with his too-curly hair, and his too-red parrot, and his wooden crutch that made a too-loud noise on _their_ kitchen floor. And now, there was this ball of _something_ that had once been hope, shriveling to nothing in his chest, disturbing the place where his heart was supposed to be beating quietly. 

He did not want to be alone with James… because he _only_ wanted to be alone with James. 

_You do not belong here._

"No, wait, I… please don't leave your own kitchen on my account." John said, making Thomas turn back in surprise. John stood, patently ignoring how his hand shook as he drew Captain Flint up to perch on his shoulder. "I am the one who should leave. I've seen what I set out to see and now I'll be going..."

"...back to the sea?" Thomas added cheekily.

James' eyes practically rolled out of his head. 

"Thomas."

"Did you really expect me to resist that?"

"I always hold out hope, love."

Thomas posed, his hand on his hip. James lifted one hand from his crossed arms to stroke his own beard. They didn't even seem to be aware that they were leaning toward each other, telling expressions on both of their faces. _Partnership. Fondness. Affection._

John's need to leave became so urgent that it crawled under his skin. He unconsciously began to shuffle towards the door. 

_You do not belong here._

Thomas’s voice lilted softly behind John as he said, "It seems you've come an awfully long way to go now." 

He had, but it wasn’t enough to slow him... until he heard James clear his throat.

"Are you really going?"

James’ voice was small and wounded. His bluster subsided and all that was Flint had finally melted away. There was no pirate captain living here—not really. 

It was just a swarthy older man and the person he loved most in the world. And John. John, who feared he would never stop being the lonely boy, standing on the street, looking through a window at other people's happiness. 

He barely got the next words past his misery.

"What would you have me do, James?"

John didn't believe he had ever used Flint's first name before that moment. 

James fidgeted with his fingers at his side and his eyes were glassy and a bit red around the edges. He stepped forward into John's space and his hand came up to smooth a wayward curl behind John’s ear. It was such a gentle touch that John had to stop himself from leaning into it.

"Stay." James’ voice was soft and shaky. "I would have you stay."

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: "Stay" by Rihanna
> 
> I should thank Beelieve... because without her, I never would have posted anything. <3


End file.
